I was between 11 and 12 weeks along and started cramping on Saturday night, after I put the kids down for bed I rested and laid down the rest of the evening. I work on Friday and Sunday mornings checking the stores on our tortilla route so that Rob has 2 days off per week. On Sunday morning I was still cramping, but went and did the route anyways.
By the time I was done with the first store (which takes about an hour) I was bleeding. I pretty much knew what was happening and was really upset, but figured I would get the route done and go home as quick as possible. I lasted 4 more stores until the 5th store I was cramping so horribly it felt like really bad contractions (so bad that I had to stop walking at each contraction and was being short of breath.) This scared me a lot so I got in the car and drove 1/2 an hour home. That 30 minutes was horrible, I was in excruciating pain and what made it worse was I knew that I was not in pain for a good reason, no, I was in pain and losing a baby.
When I got home I was pretty hysterical and my mom and Rob helped me get down to bed and got me to relax as much as possible. I had the miscarriage at home and pretty much was worthless the whole day. Luckily Rob taught my primary class and took the kids to church so I could stay and rest.
The next day I went to the OBGYN, mind you I had not gone for the first pregnancy check-up yet. But, I felt I should make sure everything was okay with me after what had happened the day before. The ultrasound tech didn't know I had miscarried and excitedly told me that she could fit me in b/c someone hadn't shown up for their appt. I started crying when I told her, well I'm sure we'll see nothing, b/c I had a miscarriage yesterday.
Well, everything hadn't come out on it's own, so the Dr. recommended a D&C so that I wouldn't get infected or have heavy blood loss or anything. I had the D&C the next day, Tuesday, and I was thrilled that they actually put me under for the process, I didn't want to feel, know or remember anything about it. The recovery was easy, I was out of it the rest of the day, but luckily had my awesome parents watching the kids and Rob got home early enough from work that he picked me up from the hospital to take me home. The next few days I was physically just getting back to normal.
Every Sunday since then has made me sad. It reminds me of losing the baby. This last Sunday made me sad b/c I realized I would have been 18 weeks along and that is so close to finding out the gender of the baby. I also was frustrated b/c I was almost 12 weeks along and almost out of the nauseous phase. I was feeling better and had made it out of the hard part of my pregnancy.
A few things:
1. I am really greatful for my family and Rob. I am so glad they were there for me through this.
2. We have an awesome ward with caring people. I received a dinner, flowers, cards, dove chocolates (my favorite), a inspirational book, more candy, a few phone calls, body wash and fuzzy(warm) socks.
3. Losing this baby makes me want to have another baby even more.
4. I at least understand ladies who have had miscarriages now. I empathize with you and know what you feel like. I can't imagine having another miscarriage, or another or another like many women have. I cannot fathom losing a baby at birth, soon after, or delivering early and end up losing the baby. My heart hurts losing this one and I only feel an ounce of what these women have felt. My heart hurts for those women who cannot get pregnant and wish so much to be a mother.
5. I feel so greatful to have my 2 children. I'm so greatful to be a mom and have been given the blessing that I have been able to have 2 healthy amazing children.
Just an FYI:
Right now if you're pregnant, don't be offended if I:
A. Stare at your belly
B. Try hard not to give you dirty looks
C. Avoid you
D. Am jealous of you
E. Don't want to hear how hard it is to be pregnant (even though i totally understand and feel that way too when i'm sick, achy, tired, etc. when pregnant)
F. Don't want to hear all your exciting news about pregnancy
G. Flinch when I think of why I am not pregnant right now and you are
Well, that pretty much sums it up for not. I am feeling SO much better then in the beginning, but still have tender feelings.
17 comments:
I know exactly how you feel right now. Last december was when we had our miscarriage and we were 17 weeks along. It was horrible. I bawled for may days and it took a whole year before I started liking babies again. Luckily i had two kids to make me laugh and a supportive husband. I am sorry to hear this and I would love to talk if you ever need.
Brooke,
I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I'm so glad that you are in a supportive environment and hope that as time goes on, things will be better. We'll be thinking and praying for you.
Love you Brooke and Family.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I'm glad to hear you have so much support around you!
My heart goes out to you Brooke. :( Thinkin of ya in Washington...
I am so sorry, Brooke. Losing a baby is so traumatic and heartbreaking. I hope the pain you're feeling gets easier to bear, and that you can have a baby in your arms soon.
Love,
Ashley
I'm so sorry. So glad you have such a wonderful family.
Brooke - I am sorry you have had to join this silent sisterhood. It is not a easy one to join or to accept. Its nice to know when others have felt that pain before because then you dont feel so alone but at the same time its bitter and it was just another thing I wish I didnt know. It is a very hard process and I know that even those of us who have gone through it cannot know exactly what you are going through because it is your own personal nightmare - just know that we understand your feelings of loss, being cheated, stolen from etc - We know. Your best chances of healing and understanding come from the comfort of the HG during this time. I love you!
So sorry to hear this Brooke. Love you.
I'm so sorry Brooke! What a blessing to have your parents there to help and a supportive husband. I'll be thinking of you.
Oh Brooke, I'm so sorry that you've gone through this. I'm glad you decided to share. There are so many things that happen in life that we won't understand until later, but at least you have the gospel in your life to help you understand a little bit now. Our family will be praying for you. And sending love your way.
Glad that you feel ok to talk about it...glad that we were able to be there for you...glad that I knew for the most part what you were going through (even though like Karalynne said, it's your own, so I can't know exactly how you feel)...you forgot to mention your lovely sister that tried to help you feel better...ha ha ha...just kidding...love you lots!
oh brooke... im so sorry. xoxoxlove you!
It takes a lot of courage! It is hard! Hopefully it will be your first miscarriage and your last. I have known many women who get pregnant again soon after a miscarriage. In a way it "cleans them out." I know someone gave me great advice when I had mine- Heavenly Father made a woman's body to take care of itself. The baby must not have been growing right and so your body knew that. Whatever was growing inside of you may not have been a real baby, now one knows. I hope only joy and comfort will follow!
Hang in there Brooke. Its the toughest thing and no one should ever go through it, but Heavenly Father will never give us anything we cannot make it through. Be strong and remember he has a plan for you. What helped us when we miscarried was the fact that we believe the little one just needed a body and has bigger plans and duties in Heaven and when we return we will be able to raise the little one then.
we love you and miss you and time heals wounds.
laura
Hey sweetie, I am so very sorry you hve had to experiance this miscarriage. I know we have had conversations about mine and you were so supportive and loving I just wish I was able to be there for you. I am so glad you shared your story. I remember that after my 2nd miscarrige I blogged about it and it made me feel so much better to be able to express myself.
I want you to know how much I love you an how blessed I feel to have met you while you lived here. I don't know when or if our paths will cross again but just know there is someone out there who loves and cares for you and your family. Be well my dear friend.
Brooke, I am so sorry. I hope you are beginning to heal emotionally. Your children are so beautiful and seem delightful; I enjoyed reading how caring Breanna is to animals -- reminds me of me when I was little :) I can't believe how far you have come since the Quiet House :D Way to go! You are an awesome mom and great person. Love to you and your family from me.
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